When I moved over 1,500 miles away from home in Oxford to attend college in Boulder, Co. after graduating from high school four years ago, I thought I was going to find what I had been looking for, and while I eventually did find it, it took less than a semester for me to realize that I actually just wanted to go home again. 

In Colorado, I missed the reliability of ten-plus year friendships that I had established here. I missed being close to family, and I missed the small charms of our local community. Most of all, however, I missed a piece of myself, something that I could never put my finger on. On every plane ride back home, I saw the Philadelphia or Baltimore airport inching closer and felt that piece begin to go back into place. It never mattered if I was even stepping foot in my home on any of those trips; all that mattered was that I was somewhere close by with people close to me.

When it came time to graduate this May, I of course knew I was heading home, so I mourned my college losses appropriately: my friends, my own apartment and the nightlife (this was especially difficult). The freedom I was leaving behind was not lost on me, but I found comfort in knowing that I would have my missing pieces back. Yet somehow, and though I may have finally gotten that piece back, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

I’m suddenly too preoccupied with what’s next for me. Yet again, I find that there is something new missing: I wonder when and where I’m going to move, who’s going to be around for it, and what exactly am I doing with my life. I am not alone; my friends also reflect the same questions and feelings back to me: panic, fear, confusion and dread. We all face the threats and obstacles that come with repaying our student loans, finding our careers, applying to graduate school and transitioning from living at home to moving out. These worries feel tangible and are a present concern, but then there’s the intangible worries as well -- the existential questions that flood our minds. 

After four years of college, we have acquired new missing pieces that keep us up at night as we lose sleep in our childhood bedrooms. Our futures seem to mock us.

Figuring out these next steps and responsibilities have been what we’re told is most important. Society tells us these are the real concerns, and the rest is distraction, but they’ve got it all wrong. Our responsibilities and “plans” distract us from figuring out what we really need to find: our journeys of self-discovery.

At this stage in my life, I think things change and I change too quickly with them to ever hope to keep up with them. Satisfaction is hard to come by in our early twenties, but I think that’s for the best. The very feeling that we are missing something -- that we are missing some part of ourselves in our journeys – is, in fact, the very thing that keeps us moving forward. The only thing I feel certain of in this moment is that the search for our missing pieces is where life happens, and it’s time for us to quit worrying and get to living.

Gabbie Burton is a 2020 graduate of Oxford Area High School and is a contributing writer for the Chester County Press.